The Parents’ Shadows Haunting the Children

“Something we were withholding made us weak,

Until we found it was ourselves.” Robert Frost

Each and every one of us has a shadow.

It starts developing naturally when we are children and is part of who we are.

Hence, if you are a parent and deny or ignore this common knowledge, that is, if you deny or ignore your shadow self, you’re doing your children a grave disservice.

You just don’t know it yet.

Let’s imagine a mother who does everything she needs to raise her children properly: taking them from a dance class to a swimming class, scheduling a range of activities for them to enjoy, travelling with them so that they can discover the beauties of the world, making sure they have the healthiest food.

Fully committed to her children, her self-sacrifice is something she is proud of. No wonder she is highly admired and respected in her family, her circle of friends, her community.

Secretly, however, this woman resents her motherhood.

She hates the fact that most of or all her time and energy is dedicated to her children who, by the way, will leave home one day and not appreciate her fully. She hates it that she constantly gives up what she truly likes (dancing, knitting, gardening, writing, hiking, painting) on the altar of motherhood. She hates it that she could flourish in a business that she chooses not to start because her children are not 18 years old yet.

Her resentment doesn’t come alone: it triggers an equally abhorrent sense of guilt and shame.

All these feelings, which are personally and socially unacceptable, are repressed from her consciousness.

Hence, she carries within herself a profound, relentless tension that she strives to hide or disguise; more often than not, for a lifetime.

But the shadow always finds a way out.

To anybody who pays attention, this may become obvious in the mother’s highly contemptuous attitude towards other women who aren’t perfect mothers like she is.

If the shadow is not acknowledged and integrated in the woman’s life, her daughters are likely to repeat the same pattern of behaviour and faced with the same exasperation, anguish, rage of their mother. If not worse.

If you have wondered why young women may develop eating disorders, well, think again. *

Now let’s imagine a father who effaces his shadow self.

As a man whose intentions and actions are perfectly aligned with his values, principles, beliefs, he is the perfect parent, setting a high bar for his children whom he unquestionably wants to succeed in life.

However, in secret, he perceives himself as weak and vulnerable. His authoritarian parenting style will presumably camouflage his inadmissible sense of insecurity and self-hate.  

Anybody except him will see how controlling and demanding he is. His children are likely to develop low self-esteem and self-control, the impostor syndrome, aggressive behaviour towards the others. Plausibly, as adults they will also mistake obedience for love.

The parent’s refusal to own and integrate his/her shadow may have disastrous consequences on the children.

One example from Carl Jung’s experience will prove my point. **

Jung told the British analyst A.I. Allensby that he had met a remarkable Quaker who confessed that he couldn’t imagine having done anything wrong in his entire life. When this man’s son and daughter grew up, they became a thief and a prostitute respectively. “Because the father would not take on his shadow,” said Jung, “his children were compelled to live out the dark side which he ignored.”

Therefore, if we want to do the best for our children, it’s imperative that we ask ourselves such questions:

How can I become aware of my shadow in my daily life?

How can I confront it?

How can I befriend it?

By staying in touch with our shadow, we will create the space for our children to accept and love themselves as they are, warts and all.

This is what truly matters.

* see Kim Chernin’s article in Meeting the Shadow,Ed. By C. Zweig and J. Abrams,1991

**see H. Hendrix’ introduction, Part two, in the above-mentioned volume