“I’ve got a magic charm
That I keep up my sleeve,
I can walk the ocean floor
And never have to breathe,” “Life Doesn’t Frighten Me” by Maya Angelou
“Should I do this or not?”
Tell me you didn’t ask yourself this question when it came to buying a house, having a child, getting married or divorced, accepting a job or leaving it, moving to another city or abroad, finishing or starting a business. Of course you did, just like the rest of the adult population on this planet.
But, how many times, imagining a disturbing, crepuscular or tenebrous future, did you step back from the decision you genuinely felt was right for you because you were, let’s be honest, scared?
Scared you’d regret your choice.
Uh-huh. That’s the word. And, don’t worry, we’ve all been there.
In his famous book, Stumbling on Happiness, renowned Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert highlights that our “inactions” stem from the fact that we wrongly assume we will regret what we did foolishly rather than what we foolishly didn’t do.
Let’s see why this isn’t the case.
According to Gilbert, our psychological immune system functions pretty much like our physical immune system, the former being designed to defend the mind against unhappiness just as the latter is programmed to defend the body against illness. We unquestionably possess an innate ability to find or “manufacture” positive and credible views of all our situations, however challenging or traumatizing. Were it not for it, we would be in big trouble.
What I find truly remarkable is the fact that the same psychological system finds it a lot harder to produce positive and credible views of inactions than of actions:
“Because we do not realize that our psychological immune systems can rationalize an excess of courage more easily than an excess of cowardice, we hedge our bets when we should blunder forward.”
Not only do Gilbert’s affirmations underline how crucial it is for us to summon up our courage, but they also point out the fact that we are naturallybuilt to be courageous.
Excessively courageous if need be.
Gilbert further explains that our psychological defences are more likely activated by intense suffering rather than mild suffering, which indicates that we are unquestionably equipped to put up with the worst circumstances we may find ourselves in.
Clearly, the psychologist doesn’t invite us to rush the process of decision making, nor does he want us to fail being well-informed and mindful of our options and implications of our choices. What he intends is to reassure us that, in ways we cannot possibly foresee NOW, our mind WILL do its job and support us through thick and thin.
If you are privy to this, wouldn’t you say that acting out of fear is a betrayal of yourself?
It might work in the short term, but rest assured it will turn into one of your deepest regrets.
Do you think it’s worth it?
What kind of relationships do you want? 