“Agency starts with what scientists call interoception, our awareness of our subtle sensory, body-based feelings: the greater the awareness, the greater our potential to control our lives.” The Body Keeps the Score, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk)
Your divorce – nothing and nobody can fully prepare you for it.
At first, the mere thought of YOU wanting a divorce is hovering like a dark cloud, up into the sky, so far, far away that you contentedly and comfortably pretend it’s not there.
But the cloud IS there.
It’s not going anywhere. In fact, it’s getting closer and closer until you cannot possibly turn a blind eye to this alien, intimidating, menacing shape.
How surreal is it now even to contemplate the demise of your till-death-do-us-part marriage?
How surreal is it to conjure up the image of your own family torn apart?
How surreal is it to envision a life deprived of everything that has been familiar to you?
Amid the swirl of questions in your head, there is one that will push you into making what is probably the hardest decision of your life:
“DO I WANT HIM/HER IN MY LIFE ANYMORE?”
If your mind and emotions have already plunged into such turmoil that you are completely lost, absolutely stuck, guess what will give you the right answer?
Well, it’s none other than your body.
It’s not your gut feeling; that would be too simple.
It’s YOUR WHOLE BODY – flesh and bones and blood – that will scream YES or NO at the top of its voice.
The answer, trust me, is visceral, unwavering, inexorable since, unbeknown to you, your body has kept the score (to paraphrase Dr. van der Kolk).
The body cannot lie.
If the answer is NO, your body will spell it out for you: “I’m so sorry, but your marriage has run its course. It doesn’t matter why, it doesn’t matter who’s more at fault. I’m afraid you’re all alone in this.”
With a NO, you will reclaim your life.
With a NO, you will leap into the void. Eyes wide open.
Once the truth is out there, between you and him/her, you will experience all the feelings under the sun: acute fear of what’s going to happen, a pervading sense of guilt, profound sadness for all your loss, burning indignation at what he/she did or didn’t, compelling urges to get back to your former life, fierce anger at yourself for avoiding the truth for years, sheer consternation at your own relentlessness, consuming disbelief in yourself. Above all else, you are feeling HIS/HER pain. You are feeling the pain of other people affected by this unforeseen tornado.
There are moments when the suffering becomes so excruciating and seemingly lingering forever that a part of you simply wishes to die.
Another part of you, however, will be clinging for dear life to a flickering hope that one distant day God or the universe or something, anything, will alleviate your suffering and that you will find peace and solace. You have faith that, at long last, you will be living an authentic life, a life you believe you deserve, a life in which, for the first time, you choose YOU.
When everything else fails, remember that your body is your piece de resistance.
Are you listening to it?
What kind of relationships do you want? 
Excellent article Claudia!
What you tell from personal experience, confirms to me personally that everything that happens to us is ultimately for our growth even if at the moment it seems that everything is falling into ruin. There is no death without resurrection. Congratulations!
LikeLiked by 1 person