Our Shoulds – The Thorns in Our Side

“The realisation of any present shortcomings is unbearable for anybody harassed by dictatorial shoulds,” Karen Horney, Neurosis and Human Growth

“You mustn’t put chewing gum in your sister’s hair.”

 I remember saying that to my little son, along with a series of explanations why his sister’s hair was not the best place to land that sticky rubbery thing (in retrospect, he may actually have got the gist from his elder sister’s staring look, knitted eyebrows and folded arms).

Except for the slightly irritating feeling caused by the perspective of a hairstylist for my daughter, that remark felt like a sensible recommendation. And it was.

But once I started telling myself, “What kind of mother am I? Why did I raise my voice? I  should always be patient with my children,” I felt irritated by my own weakness, anxious that my child was going to be scarred for life because of me, guilty that I wasn’t a better mother.  

What I didn’t know back then is that words have their own energy and they impact our life, whether they’re used in conversations with the others or with ourselves. Not surprisingly, it must have been my “should” (and, of course, the absolute “always”) giving voice to my unconscious expectation of the mother-of-the-century award that weighed me down.  

How do we know that “shoulds” are burdensome?

To start with, let’s have a look at the very etymology of the word: it is derived from Old English  sceal denoting “obligation” and scyld meaning“guilt.”  

Obligation and guilt.

If this juxtaposition isn’t suggestive enough, then psychologist Karen Horney’s definition will surely shed light on the negative effects activated by “shoulds” (and by “musts/oughts” as well):

“The inner dictates, exactly like political tyranny in a police state, operate with a supreme disregard for the person’s own psychic condition – for what he can feel or do as he is at present. (…) Determined by unconscious arrogance and dishonesty, (…) they do not aim at real change but at immediate and absolute perfection.”

According to Horney, the failure to immediately find a way out of our internal impasse brings about fear, misery, annoyance, anxiety, despair, self-condemnation, self-hatred, self-destructive impulses. Furthermore, the same failure will disturb our relationships: we become hypersensitive to criticism because, essentially, we are merciless toward ourselves. What I believe to be even more distressing is that “shoulds” damage our natural spontaneity of feelings, wishes, thoughts, beliefs insomuch as “we consciously believe as we should believe or feel.” 

Why don’t we consider a few statements?

“I should be the best husband and the best doctor,” “I should always be kind and generous and understanding,” “I should act cool all the time,” “I should look awesome,” “I shouldn’t disappoint my children,” “I should clean my house perfectly,” “I should pray more than my friends from church,” “I should lose weight faster,” “I shouldn’t feel abandoned,” “I should never think bad of my parents,” “I should always know what to say to people,” “I should make money a lot easier.”

What do they essentially reveal other than a deep inner flaw, an inadequacy, a conflict between our notion of perfection and reality?

How can we challenge our inner demands?  

I’ve learned that thoughts, feelings, physiology and behaviour are intrinsically intertwined. Therefore, seeing the connection between these four areas can help us understand our predicaments better and find solutions to move forward. 

Here’s a cognitive behavioural approach that I suggest:    

Everything starts from SELF-AWARENESS.

You cannot become conscious of your own “shoulds” unless you observe yourself closely: In what context do you use these words? How do they make you feel? What do you think about yourself and the others on a deeper level (identify self-criticism, criticism of others and your deeper beliefs)?  What are your body sensations? What are the consequences of your behavior on yourself and the others?

RETHINKING your unhealthy thoughts instead of simply accepting them is the second stage.

How are these self-critical thoughts helping you? What are you focusing on: your weaknesses or your strengths? Are you seeing things in black and white terms? Are you condemning yourself as a person? Are you expecting yourself to be perfect? Who is perfect?

EXPERIMENTING with new situations is crucial.

If you truly want to see what you’re capable of, if you truly desire to improve your life and your relationships, you will summon up all your courage, let go of “shoulds” and embrace change.  

What could be the worst that could happen? How would you cope with that? What could be the best that could happen? How did you succeed in a (very) difficult situation before? What advice would you give somebody you love if they told you they were exactly in the same situation?  

Can “shoulds” be reasonable?

Of course they can. What is more commonsensical than to say, “I should give up my seat to that old person on the bus?” Or, “I should get up a lot earlier if I want to work in time?” Bottom line: such statements won’t trigger violent emotions in us (well, at least not normally).

There is also a difference between “shoulds” as inner demands and the “shoulds” that we use while striving towards an ideal. In the latter case, the demands reflect healthy, natural challenges we genuinely and freely want to overcome. The demands simply feel right. Horney beautifully points out that when it comes to ideals, “the wish, the judgement, the decision is ours. And because we are thus one with ourselves, efforts of this kind give us freedom and strength.”

To conclude, from an early age we are taught what we should or shouldn’t do, what we should or shouldn’t say and, sadly, what we should think, feel or not. Our society as a whole promotes, reinforces and upholds a wide range of demands and equally frowns upon, rebukes or punishes any transgressions.

However, there are methods to escape from the grip of unhealthy, unreasonable, unrealistic demands.

I believe that the crux of the matter is being honest with yourself.

“Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom,” wrote Thomas Jefferson.

Coming from the main author of the US Declaration of Independence, these words carry enormous weight.   

Who should we learn from if not from the best?  

Resources:

Karen Horney, Neurosis and Human Growth

www.etymonline.com