The Power of Language in Self-Discovery

“He gave man speech, and speech created thought, Which is the measure of the universe.” P. B. Shelley, Prometheus Unbound

I’ll never forget the day when I, a 26-year-old woman with wavy hair flowing past my mid-back, sat on the lady barber’s chair and asked her to shave off my hair, à la Kojak (to those unfamiliar with the eponymous detective of the 1970s American crime series, that means completely bald).

Thanks to the wall mirror in front of me, I could see she looked aghast, just like everybody else in the barbershop: scissors, shaving machines, combs froze in the air for about five seconds before resuming their customary job.  

To give you a bit of context, this happened in the 90s in a provincial town in Romania, a country struggling hard to join the civilized world after half a century of communist oppression.

No woman in her right mind wanted that.

There followed a veritable battle of wills: the more firmly I reinforced my decision to have lustrous, thick hair till I turned 80 (at least), the more fervently she advocated my hair’s health and beauty and the utter futility of shaving as a regenerative method (by now, her initially gentle movements through my hair had become frantic).

When I finally gave in, accepting to have my hair shaved to the minimum length instead, the lady barber (bless her) had tears of joy in her eyes: she had rescued me from total social disgrace and segregation.

I give her that. For a while after that hair bloodshed, I always left the house wearing a head wrap which attracted people’s attention like a magnet, but at least the looks were commiserative  – everybody assumed I had cancer.   

What compels people to change their appearance drastically?

There are light-hearted explanations that come up by and large in conversations on this particular topic. “Oh, it’s really about having fun, you know, experimenting something new,” “Everybody does it, duh,” “Because I’m not boring like everybody, sorry, most people I know,” “Identity is such a fluid concept. This is who I am right now” may say those who have their hair dyed an electric blue or half-shaved, who opt for an extravagant, if not shocking clothing style, who have half of their bodies tattooed, ear lobes, septum and forehead pierced, breasts surgically enlarged and lips enhanced.  

Hardly anybody will say (essentially because they’re too overwhelmed and confused to identify the root cause of their decision), “You know what? My life is a total mess. I’m feeling pulled in a thousand directions. I’ve been running around in circles trying to figure out what to do and I have NO idea. Absolutely none. So I guess this is the only shred of control left for me and the only way I can scream how I feel.”

What can you do when you feel stuck?

Well, first of all, I wouldn’t recommend watching your hair ending up in a despondent pile on the floor of a barbershop unless you’re looking for a surge of adrenaline that makes you feel free, excited and powerful for, let’s say, one hour. 

Now, I don’t know if you have noticed, but when life pulls the rug from under us, we are at a loss for an internal coherent language – we are like Alice falling down the rabbit hole in a whirlpool of floating cards, echoes of our own random words and phrases, interjections, incomplete sentences, half sentences, all accompanied by ellipses, question and exclamation marks.

Alas, talking gibberish to ourselves while overthinking and/or ruminating will only fuel and prolong our journey downward.

It is clarity that will stop our chaotic descent, giving us the power to recalibrate.

As the etymology of the word suggests (the Latin claritas means “brightness, splendor”), we invite light into this dark tunnel once we are able to precisely and authentically articulate our inner experience.

“We organize ourselves neurologically at the highest level through language and story,” argues Jordan Peterson, therefore we cannot “plot” our future until we lay out the elements of our life and clearly understand where we are now.

So, what’s your story?

Write it down in a safe, quiet place – without judgement, without resistance, but committed to tell the truth to yourself no matter how agonizing the introspection process may be. What is also essential for you to keep in mind is to approach your story holistically as your emotions are deeply interconnected with your body responses, thoughts and behaviour.  

Are you feeling powerless, desperate, furious, resentful, scared, ashamed, guilty, isolated, helpless, disgusted, lonely, disappointed, abandoned, humiliated, betrayed, disrespected, empty, desperate, numb, vengeful, bitter, angry, repelled, threatened, revolted, sad, regretful, enraged, exhausted, confused?

Be specific.

Who and/or what triggers you to feel this way?

What are your body’s responses now? Your body cannot lie so give it a proper chance to “summarize” your story: observe your breathing pattern first, then check for heart racing, sweating, aches and pains, tense muscles, neck veins throbbing, fatigue.

What changes in your recent behavior do you notice?

What do yo think about your circumstances?

Can you identify any negative patterns and/or limiting beliefs underlying your behaviour and thoughts?

How would you like your story to change? What are your realistic options?

What are the obstacles standing in your way? What resources can you use to change your story? What is within your control?

Writing is a truly empowering process that will gradually bring order in your thoughts, enabling you to decide what you need to do next to move your life forward and to embrace a self-actualization journey.     

For increased self-awareness, tell your story to somebody you trust (especially a coach or a therapist) and in so doing, as Dr Bessel van der Kolk beautifully explains, you will find words “where words were absent before.” Our ability “to articulate a complex feeling and having our feelings recognized lights up our limbic system” which is essential for self-regulation, and, not surprisingly, our very physiology “is changed when we are feeling listened to and understood.”

A major benefit that I see in working with a coach or a therapist is that they can actually challenge (parts of) your own narrative so that you can reshape it in a healthy way.

What is your next move after making a decision?

The hardest part is, in my opinion, turning your decisions into action. However unclouded your perspective on your life and future may be now, any important decision requires significant mental and emotional strength and acting on it may be not only challenging, but burdensome, painful, overwhelming.

At this stage, mainly from a place of fear and insecurity, some people will give up on themselves, reconfiguring their story to their own detriment.

Some people won’t.

What will you do?

Resources:

Prometheus Unbound, P. B. Shelley

The Jordan B. Peterson Podcast, ep. 571

The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk