Divorce – When Blood Is Not Thicker Than Water

“While many say that finding compassion for those who hurt them is one of the hardest things they’ve ever done, others discover that it’s freeing in ways they hadn’t imagined. It binds them to a common humanity where we are all in some measure flawed, torn, and hurt. And dying for understanding.” Joshua Coleman, Rules of Estrangement  

You must recognize this American movie trope: adamant to restore justice, the protagonist blows up buildings, cars, helicopters and walks away undauntedly and unflinchingly from the chaos he has unleashed, never looking back.  

We may not be fans of violence, but we nod in approval. Having been privy to the hero’s troubled journey which often involves a personal loss or trauma, we get an insight into the complexity of his nature, something which most characters can’t or won’t. It is precisely the internal context that enables us to grasp his potential for moral ambiguity and to admire him regardless (definitely not for the skill of setting things on fire).

How can we not admire his larger-than-life qualities?

Unlike us, mere mortals whose emotions are having a blast when we are at a crossroads of our life and we lose direction, the hero seems to know exactly what he’s doing.

He assesses the situation confidently, levelheadedly and thoroughly, makes a clear decision and comes up with a strategic course of action to which he is fully committed. There’s no room for double-guessing.

He is totally focused on what lies ahead of him, so looking back is a waste of time, energy and probably money.

Highly important, he won’t refrain from making decisions that are bound to cause controversy. Regardless of what the other people may believe or do, he won’t falter, apologize or seek approval. He trusts himself. He owns his choices.     

I know he’s too good to be true (except if he is played by Brad Pitt; just saying). However, can we steal one or two ideas from him?

Let’s consider the scenario when you are forced, sometimes by completely unexpected circumstances, to face the truth of your marriage.

The idea of divorce is looming over you, dark and threatening like a wide-open monstrous mouth you have been unconsciously running away or hiding from or pretending it’s not there for years and years.     

When you realize beyond the shadow of a doubt, and for reasons essentially known only by you, or by you and God, that the demise of your marriage is inevitable, what you need is the true grit, focus and adaptability of the American movie hero.  

Let’s see why.  

Firstly, choosing to say “no” to your marriage will catapult you into an agonizing internal process involving loss and grief, especially if it’s a long-term marriage where children are involved. Secondly, life will throw at you things you cannot possibly anticipate, let alone control: the reactions of your soon-to-be ex-spouse will fly in the face of everything you know about them, health crises may occur, legal deadlines may be postponed, custody arrangements may be modified, the division of property may be negotiated and disputed. Not in the least, asking for a divorce in a country with traditional views on marriage will come with a hefty price tag: people’s reactions will range from shock to unequivocal disdain, from embarrassment to ostensible smiles concealing I’m-so-happy-you-blew-it and I-can-hardly-wait-to-tell-everyone-about-this attitudes. So, consider yourself lucky if you are genuinely supported by a handful of people.

As if this weren’t enough, something beyond your worst nightmares might happen.

Your own family may refuse to have anything to do with you.

Your own children, siblings, parents, etc, will shut you out of their life, sometimes through letters or emails that will pierce daggers through your heart, sometimes without an explanation as if they washed their hands of you.

You will be instantly drowning in a sea of shock, confusion, sadness, fear, anger, hopelessness.

“Why won’t they hear my side of the story?” The more you ask yourself this question, the more you feel dragged towards the bottom of the sea. Only later will you understand that the question is irrelevant as this is ultimately not a story about who’s right or wrong.   

By now the reality of your separation has already dawned on you: divorce is “a unique tragedy,” as E.M. Hetherington and John Kelly put it, one that brings an end to “a unique civilization (…) built on thousands of shared experiences, memories, hopes, and dreams.” Every fiber of your being feels how this unique tragedy affects your family. You understand they need time and space to make sense of their new reality and forgive whatever they believe it’s unforgivable. If they’re your children, your heart is bleeding continually.

In your attempt to make sense of the estrangement, you hold up a mirror. You have to.

And here they are: your weaknesses, limitations and errors. The ways in which you should or could have done certain things. The fleeting fantasies in which you sprinkle a magic protective powder over your family.

The illusive hope that your love for them is enough.  

And here is the truth that nobody can take away from you: divorce was just a matter of time. It happened exactly when you were ready to take a leap.    

“Why did they cut ties with me?” is the question that will keep haunting you.   

The answer is more complicated than it seems. We’re living in a time when media is so saturated with the importance of happiness, clear boundaries, self-actualization and independence at all costs that people, especially young ones, mistake what’s healthy, sensible and sane with something that will work against them, slowly but steadily undermining their own chance of genuine happiness and fulfillment.  

This is a “culture of individualism,” argues Joshua Coleman, in which people are highly preoccupied with “one’s own self, one’s identity, one’s own happiness” at the expense of their relationships with other people, including their family, which are easily considered secondary.

“There’s a strong sense in our culture that if a relationship doesn’t make you feel good about yourself or makes you feel guilty or bad, then completely cutting that person – even a parent – out of your life is not only a reasonable decision, it’s a courageous decision.”

According to Coleman, therapists can also have a damaging role. As their perspectives reflect “the biases, vogues and fads” of our culture, they may encourage a type of “victimized stance” which, correlated with anger, will inadvertently help family conflict and division to escalate.

Despite the cultural milieu, there will be sensible, mature people close to your family who will question the decision of estrangement or will openly rebuke it, calling it something that just isn’t right. Or so you hope.       

Well, brace yourself. Many will candidly encourage your loved ones to shut you out of their life as the right thing to do.

Is it just me or this world is going crazy (hopefully, the readers will have realized by now that the people grappling with estrangement are not narcissistic, toxic, abusive or killers in disguise)?  

The essential question remains: what can you do?

Just as you cannot rush a seed to grow and become a full-grown plant, you cannot rush healing.

Give yourself time and space. Accept and acknowledge your pain without judgement and without the need to explain every single feeling. Take responsibility for your choices. Open up your heart to forgive yourself and your family. Ask for help.  

You’ll learn to live with the pain, believe me. One day at a time.  

Give your family time and space too as they must be fighting their own battles. If you think that after you initiate contact and make amends for your part in their pain, there’ll be magnificent fireworks lighting up the sky and your loved ones will sail on the wings of the wind to hug you tightly, good luck to you.

Lastly, if you catch yourself ruminating on the past, why don’t you remind yourself of the clichéd explosion scene in the American movie (with or without Brad Pitt in it)? A cliché may be exactly what you need: set your obsession on fire and walk away from it unflinchingly and undauntedly.

Walk towards a new life in which people who love you unconditionally are already there, and those who are not there yet are welcome anytime.

With arms wide open.

Resources:

E.M. Hetherington and John Kelly, For Better or for Worse: Divorce Reconsidered

Joshua Coleman, Rules of Estrangement