Limiting Beliefs – Under the Sign of Appearance

Cast Away has Chuck as the main character who, surviving a plane crash, ends up on a deserted island. Having accidentally cut his hand, Chuck hits a volleyball and notices that the handprint resembles a human face. He touches it up and thus, the volleyball becomes his inseparable friend, Wilson, whom he talks to and who helps Chuck endure the hardships of a life far from civilization.

Watching the movie again, what drew my attention is the scene that takes place after Chuck builds a raft and manages to sail on the ocean. When Wilson falls off the raft, Chuck desperately tries to save his friend. He soon realizes, however, that he needs to choose between retrieving Wilson (which means losing his own life by not getting back to the raft) and giving up on Wilson (which ensures his survival).

Chuck decides to climb onto the raft, calling out for his friend and crying until Wilson disappears in the distance.

I think each of us has at least a Wilson – a limiting belief about ourselves to which we have attached so much that we cannot imagine life without it.

There comes a time, however, when some of us understand, painfully and shockingly, that our best friend is nothing else than an old volleyball – an object with a face we ourselves have improvised to heal our suffering and/or sense of helplessness.

A fake.

We realize that we have lived with the subconscious or vague belief that we are inferior, stupid, unimportant, ugly, fat, pathetic, worthless, bad, inadequate, lazy or not good enough.

In Overcoming Self-Esteem, psychologist Melanie Fennell calls these limiting beliefs “bottom lines,” stressing the fact that we weren’t born thinking badly of ourselves. We formed these limiting beliefs in childhood or adolescence as subjects to recurrent punishments, criticism, abuse, negligence, bullying; we may also have been the cause of the others’ stress or unhappiness or the odd one out in our family or school, etc. These limiting beliefs subconsciously triggered certain strategies (“rules for living”) that have helped us see the world and behave so as to protect ourselves from the possible activation of the bottom line.

Fennell argues that the most important step towards change is to identify the event or the atmosphere that generated the limiting belief, and then to become conscious of the fact that it developed in the context of our vulnerability, of our lack of experience. Any belief is an opinion, an idea, and not a fact. ‘Opinions can be mistaken, biased and inaccurate.’ They can be changed. Fennell asks us two excellent questions that (re)direct us towards the present moment and then to the future: Would you let a child run your life? If not, then what can you do as a responsible adult and author of your own life?

Our beliefs are intertwined with our self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem is, Fennell explains, a balanced view of ourselves which involves giving attention to our talents, qualities and achievements while also accepting the fact that we have shortcomings and weaknesses, that we make mistakes and we regret them.

And it’s ok for us to be like this.

A supporter of cognitive-behavioural therapy, Fennell recommends a range of strategies to identify limiting beliefs and to ‘break the vicious circle that maintains low self-esteem.’

Cognitive-behavioural strategies are successfully used in coaching. In Cognitive Behavioural Coaching, Michael Neenan supports the ideas that there is always another perspective on a situation, however difficult it may be, and that we have the capacity to control our thoughts and beliefs.

Another author who lays emphasis on self-esteem is Nathaniel Branden. The American psychologist begins Honoring the Self by stating that ‘of all the judgments that we pass in life, none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves, for that judgment touches the very center of our existence.’ Equally important, the way in which we relate to ourselves influences the way in which we relate to others.

Branden considers that self-esteem is essentially the experience of believing that we are apt to live and we deserve to be happy. The biggest hurdle on our way to happiness is the belief that we are not worthy to be happy.

Let’s ask ourselves this question:

Do we deserve to be happy?

If the answer is yes, then what do we do with our friend, Wilson?

The original article in Romanian was published here:

Chic Elite Credintele limitative sub ssemnul aparentei