Escaping the Labyrinth of Loneliness

“In today fast-paced world, where connections are just a click away, the noxious nature of loneliness can take a significant toll on our mental health, heightening existing issues like anxiety and depression.” K.D. Carr, The Loneliness Paradox

Late in the evening, a woman sits alone at a table in an empty restaurant, staring into her cup of coffee. Behind her, a large dark window intensely reflects two rows of ceiling lights.

The cold, artificial atmosphere perfectly mirrors the woman’s inner world. Were she surrounded by other people, she would likely look just as lost. The only detail that subtly reveals the woman’s need for warmth and connection is the jar of cookies on the windowsill.

Of course we imagine how the character in Edward Hopper’s “Automat” feels because, after all, we’ve all been there – touched by loneliness.

We’ve all drowned in a deluge of dark, self-defeating thoughts.

We’ve all felt our emotions spiralling downward: sadness, emptiness, disconnection, fear, insecurity, frustration, worry, shame – this is probably the worst to endure.

We’ve all longed to reconnect with other human beings.

And we’ve all probably done the easiest thing: run to the fridge, reach for chocolate cake and a bottle of wine, gasping for air between nervous bites and hurried sips.

Now, if we had a magic wand, we’d go ta-dah! – leap with joy, reach for the phone and call anyone we love or know: parents, siblings, friends, acquaintances, colleagues; or we’d put on our trainers and gladly go for a jog in the park, rain or shine; or we’d finally dust off the white canvas that’s been sitting in the attic since time immemorial and start painting.

Since we don’t have a magic wand (thank goodness – how boring would life be?), we do have to sort ourselves out.

How do we do this?

First, let’s consider our thoughts since our emotions are often shaped by how we interpret life’s events.

Apparently, about 65,000 thoughts cross our mind every day and, as the Nobel prize winner Elizabeth Blackburn points out, “they show up no matter what we do. And here we include the thoughts we would never invite in.” Therefore, “you shouldn’t believe everything your thoughts tell you.”

If anything is essential, it’s self-awareness: notice when negative thoughts enter your mind.

I imagine they echo something like, “I’m a failure. I’ll always feel this lonely. Nobody understands me.”

Knowing that you need to be mindful of your thoughts, don’t hesitate to challenge them: “Everybody feels lonely, so are all people failures? Who can say with absolute certainty that I’ll always feel this lonely? Does anybody understand me even a little?”

If you catch yourself asking, “Why is this happening to me?”, pause. Don’t fall for it. Not because you’re not hurting, but because self-pity, however alluring, will quietly prolong and deepen your suffering.

Loneliness is the language of lack: What are you missing right now?

The secret is not to run away from your pain – meet it with self-compassion. Say to yourself what you would say to someone you love if they were in your situation.

Sometimes, however, negative thoughts rush in and overwhelm us. When this happens, don’t sit there with your head in your hands, wailing and calling yourself a loser and other not-so-endearing names.

Instead, interrupt the pattern – take action straight away: grab the phone, grab the trainers, grab the canvas.

Just do something, however small, to step outside your head – this is what truly breaks the vicious cycle of thoughts.

This is what saved me once when I hit rock bottom.

If you want to make yourself a most wonderful gift, you will grab the phone.

There’s no shame in sharing your story.

It’s a shame to believe no one can help you and to stay trapped in the labyrinth of your mind.

If I were you, I’d invite somebody I trust to join me for a cup of coffee (always black for me) and fresh cookies (ideally chocolate, but I’m flexible).

Resources:

Elizabeth Blackburn, The Telomere Effect