Late in the evening, a woman sits at a table in an empty restaurant, staring into her cup of coffee. Behind her is a window as large as a wall through which one sees nothing of the city’s life. This black rectangle intensely reflects two rows of ceiling lamps.
Edward Hopper’s painting “Automat” (1927) conveys both solitude and loneliness. The woman is not only alone, but she looks lonely. Her expression, the artificial atmosphere of the place, the dark window delimitating the interior space – everything poignantly indicates the woman’s state of mind.
Who doesn’t identify with Hopper’s character? Who hasn’t been alone and lonely?
The experience of solitude is beneficial when it is an opportunity to reflect upon our life, self-reevaluate, focus on making the best decisions, be creative. Solitude may simply imply that you remain undisturbed at least for a while, away from family or social roles.
One of my favourite writers, Virginia Woolf, reveals in A Writer’s Diary that she greatly appreciated being on her own, considering a day of solitude a “luxury,” “a peaceful day” when her facial expression was natural, not the one she needed to display in public.
Feeling temporarily lonely is unavoidable and apparently harmless. Deep loneliness can have, on the other hand, serious, even disastrous effects on us. We come to hide behind real or invisible walls, the latter as solid as those of a fortress, and remain there – overwhelmed by anguish, sadness, weakness, fear, cowardice, anger, humiliation, uncertainty, inflexibility, grief.
Dumitru Staniloae speaks about the loneliness of those who, due to indifference or even hostility, do not do any good to others. It is “a type of loneliness stemming from egotism systematically used during a lifetime.” This is the saddest and most profound type of loneliness, Father Staniloae believes, as the lack of communication and communion is not typical of man. If we are not essentially egotist, we are affected by loneliness; better said, we are affected by our feelings inside this captivity. Since feelings are usually triggered by thoughts, we feel lonely due to the way we perceive the events of our life.
What do we know about thoughts?
In The Telomere Effect, Elizabeth Blackburn claims that around 65,000 thoughts cross our mind every day. “They show up no matter what we do. And here we include the thoughts we would never invite in.” It becomes apparent that we cannot control or stop our thoughts; through resilient thinking, however, we can change our relation with them. We can learn, for instance, to pay attention to the moments when negative thoughts enter our mind to remind ourselves that “we shouldn’t believe everything our thoughts tell us.” Let us make room for optimistic thoughts, says Blackburn, suggesting that we should start every morning being grateful that we are alive and resolved to enjoy every single thing of the day ahead, even the most mundane.
Biologist Bruce H. Lipton compares our thoughts to the filters we attach to a camera that change our perception of the world and ourselves. The Biology of Belief proves that these perceptions affect not only our behavior, but also, and equally important, our bodies, including the change of our cells’ genetic structure. We fall ill due to the negative thoughts we choose to have. And one of the key risk factors for illness is social isolation. Not only does a mixture of deep social connections and optimism contribute to our happiness, but it also dramatically improves every business and every educational activity.
A happy and healthy life is not a myth. It is an option, Lipton asserts.
So, what do we choose? Answer as sincerely as you can.
If we hide behind the walls of loneliness, let us find the courage to break them down. Let us find the courage to make the first step and (re)open up with the others. Let us find the courage to talk about how vulnerable we feel.
What is the worst that could happen? What is the best that could happen?
“Your belief is stronger than your reality,” Lipton affirms.
Let me paraphrase him:
Your belief that the others can help you is stronger than your reality.
This original article in Romanian was published here:
What kind of relationships do you want? 
Well done Claudia
Well done
👏 congratulations 👏
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Dear Claudia,
Maybe is not just a coincidence that I read this article on different occasions. The first time was in a period I felt overwhelmed by the multiple social commitments. After reading it, I took a while to reflect on the value of the social contacts and to be grateful for all the opportunities to meet different people and to connect to them. Now, I am in a total opposite position, far away from my loved ones and in a society rather described as “cold and distant”. Now, the article helps me clarify why I work so hard for building a healthy and extended social environment.
At the same time, I am grateful for this article as it reminded me the power of our thoughts. I strongly believe that every person should have this in mind at least several times a day. If we would be aware of the real power of our thoughts, our world would be a better place!
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