Limiting Beliefs – Our Illusory Friends

“Of all the judgments that we pass in life, none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves, for that judgment touches the very center of our existence.” Nathaniel Branden, Honoring the Self

If you have seen Cast Away, you’ve likely been struck by Chuck’s dramatic twist of fate: work-driven and time-obsessed, with a love life that also seems to be rushed, he boards a plane which crashes and ends up on a God-forsaken island. What helps him survive the hardships of nearly four years far from civilization is none other than a volleyball which comes to resemble a human face once his bleeding hand leaves a mark on it.

Chuck and Wilson become inseparable companions.

After numerous failed attempts to escape the island, Chuck finally sails away, but his relief is short-lived: when Wilson falls off the raft, he plunges desperately into the ocean only to realize he has two choices – to save Wilson or to save himself.

Heartbroken, Chuck climbs onto the raft, crying out for his friend as Wilson drifts away into the distance.

This touching scene makes me think that each of us has at least one “Wilson” – a limiting belief we have unconsciously become so attached to that it’s an integral part of our life.

“I don’t deserve to be happy,” “I am not good enough,” “I can depend only on myself,” “People abandon me,” “Love means enduring and suffering,” “I must always be in control,” “I can’t allow myself to be weak” – we may very well live with this white noise at the back of our minds even for an entire lifetime without realising it’s there, influencing our well-being, decisions and relationships.

Fortunately, there comes a time when some of us confront the long-overlooked truth that our Wilsons, although bearing our own bloody imprint, were fashioned to help us survive by concealing our fears.

How did we form this kind of friendship in the first place?

We aren’t born thinking badly of ourselves and the world, psychologist Melanie Fennell points out. We unconsciously develop self-defeating beliefs in childhood or adolescence when we are subjected to recurrent punishments, criticism, abuse, negligence, bullying, when we feel like the cause of others’ stress or unhappiness, or like the odd one out in our family or school, etc.

These false narratives give rise to false strategies –“rules for living”– that shape our view of the world, and guide our behaviour, helping us to avoid activating our fears.

The most important step towards change, argues Fennell, is to identify the event and the atmosphere that generated the limiting beliefs, and then to acknowledge the fact that they developed in the context of our vulnerability and lack of experience – they were meant to protect us.

A reminder that any belief is an opinion, an idea, and not a fact, can make all the difference: “Opinions can be mistaken, biased and inaccurate.”They can be changed.

What is also important, I think, is not to judge yourself harshly for having held onto these beliefs for years – self-condemnation often keeps us trapped in shame, which further deepens our suffering, hinders our progress.

Fennell suggests two excellent questions that bring us realistically from our childhood to the present moment:

Would you let a child run your life?

Probably not. Then what can you do as a responsible adult and author of your own life?

How about saying goodbye to your Wilsons – gently, yet firmly?

Not tomorrow, nor some time in the future when we imagine we are ready, but today.

Today is the best time to start making life-changing decisions if you aim for authenticity rather than illusion.

Resources:

Melanie Fennell, Overcoming Self-Esteem,